Busy-ness

Two nights ago I traced three patterns, and last night I cut them out.  All of them.  They're sitting on my sewing table right now, as I'm at work.

I like to keep busy.  I don't like to be stagnant and I like to have things weighing on my mind--if I have an obligation to something, anything, I know I'm doing alright.  But I tend to worry that I have too many obligations, that one day, they're all going to fall off and tumble around me.  And what if I let someone down?  What if I let myself down?  I don't even like to feed Eleanor late; something much larger than a half-can of Friskies could fail and it would be my fault.

So I create projects.  I buy fabric, paint, embroidery floss.  I create lists and spreadsheets.  I blog (sometimes) and drop off film.  I promise gifts and volunteer for potlucks and assignments, knowing too well what I already have on my calendar.  Just stay busy.  Don't stop.  Don't sit.  Work.  Keep your head down.  Be quiet.

I wonder what it's like to be able to create your schedule, to have more than three hours a day not devoted to work or sleep (true story).  To have a garden, to have a dog, to see sunlight in the middle of the day on a Wednesday.  I wonder what it's like to go out to dinner or have friends over.  But I don't wonder for long: there is dinner to be made, a shirt to be sewn.  There are things to do, and I must do them.

I'm doing alright, don't worry about me.  In the small moments between projects, I have a few minutes to wonder, to think about what the future holds, and I make my plans.  I don't know if they'll hold true or if they'll change before the time comes, but for now, they keep me busy.