Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Why We Aren't Having a Wedding (Or, Please Go Away, Wedding Blogs)

This post is a bit more personal than I like to get, but whatever, this is my blog, I can write about it.

Okay, everyone knows we got engaged, right?  I announced it a couple weeks ago, so I don't want readers to think I'm some weirdo who is pressuring her boyfriend.  Wedding "stuff" is on my mind, almost more than sewing, even though we do not want a wedding.

That's right.  I'm a young, engaged woman who does not dream of a white dress.

I wanted to elope.  I always have.  It freaks me out to think that other people might see me get married.  I'll pee in front of my mom before I have her adjust my veil or choose flowers.  It makes me uncomfortable to even sit here and type it out because I hate that idea so much.  But Nick brought up that we might regret, when looking back, not having our parents with us.  Or Jake.  I said I can guarantee I wouldn't, but marriage is about compromise, so I caved: we could invite our parents, and Jake, but no friends.  And parents would not be obligated to come.  Even Jake has been told about 100 times that, if he can't make it, it's really no problem and we will catch up at Thanksgiving.  Or Christmas!  Whatever.

So Mom and Dad, and Jake, and Dad (Nick's dad, this time) have all been texted with the details: next Columbus Day weekend, we'll head south to get married and have beer and pizza to celebrate.  No, we won't have a ceremony; it's $20 to do it at the courthouse.  No, I won't wear white; I am pale and it will be fall.  No, I don't want you to pay for it; we have a budget and we are both adults.  Yes, we will notify other friends and family with marriage announcements, but no, we will not accept gifts, and no, you may not pay for those either.

So why?  Why do I continue to read 100 Layer Cake, A Practical Wedding, Martha Stewart Weddings?  Besides being some sort of masochist (I'm flogging myself with Vera Wang ads), I guess it's because it's expected.  My ring (from Etsy) is on my finger.  The date is set.  The spreadsheet is active.  Now I'm supposed to worry about details like napkin monograms, right?  But I don't.  I read these blogs and magazines and think...ew.  Ew to all of it.

Here's what I've gathered:

  • Nick and I aren't special enough to have a big wedding.  I don't mean this in a sad, woe-is-us way.  I mean that I read these blog posts about weddings and I think, you guys think you're so special!  That's sweet.  But our friends don't wear ironic glasses and I don't have an affinity for the work of Marc Johns.  We're just a couple.  We work a lot and I sew and he drinks beer.  That's it.  Truth be told...
  • We don't have a lot of friends.  We know a decent amount of people, sure, but I don't have "my girls" and he doesn't have "bros" and I think Eleanor and Puddin' would have to be our witnesses.  Again, this isn't a pity party.  I'm spitting out facts.  These weddings, the ones with coordinating dresses from an unknown designer who will blow up next year, require people to be there.  They require people who get excited about the proposal, and who want to hear the story over and over.  That's not us.
  • I am uncomfortable with attention.  So it's weird that I have a blog, right?  Well whatever, I have like 10 readers, I'm okay with it.  I guess it's also because red hair gets a lot of attention, but I've always shied away from it.  I had a long awkward phase (from like age six to age twenty-two) and that's who I picture.  That's who I am.  The thought of walking down an aisle in front of people I don't really care for (truth) and having all eyes on me is enough to make me vomit.  Right here.  And then while walking down the aisle.
  • We have better things to spend our money on.  Being completely honest, my dress budget is $200.  I would like to spend no more than $50, but I know things happen and sometimes you have to spend more.  That $150 could be spent on fabric, or groceries, or allergy medication--I don't know, anything but a dress I will wear once and then never wear again, in fear of staining or ripping it.  We don't make a lot of money, we don't have a lot of money, so whatever we do have goes to things we need.  Cats gotta eat!  And so do we.  I plan on doing this as cheaply as possible, so we can move on and get started with our lives.
  • This shit bores me.  I'm not a girl who loves weddings.  I don't love wedding showers either.  I also don't love babies or baby showers.  So as much as I like thinking about what kind of dress I'll wear, I also think, who cares?  Because, honestly?  I don't.  I would walk down the aisle in jeans, if I could find a pair that fit decently.  (Maybe yoga pants?)  So debating over the details--do I use lamb's ear or baby's breath?  Will anyone notice the programs are printed in gold instead of bronze?--just blows my mind.  You know what happens after a wedding?  A marriage.  Yeah, get ready for that.
So obviously I'm not saying all brides are crazy, nor am I say that if you don't fit the above criteria, you are a bad person and should re-evaluate your life.  I'm just saying, where's the website for me?  I want a website that says "here is your dress" and it's $47.99, comes in ivory or purple or whatever, and offers shoes that fit too.  I would order that, do my thing, and get back to work.  Even the "sane" wedding sites focus so much on the minute, ridiculous parts that I feel like I'm terrible for not considering them.  Really, we need to invite his great aunt who he doesn't get along with because weddings are "for the family"?  Well, the family isn't paying for it, so they can all suck it.  Oh yeah, did I mention I'm a bride who says "suck it"?  Because I am.

So I hope no one is scared of me or thinks I'm a freak now.  The wedding stuff is no joke, and it can often be lonely, because, unlike graduation or whatever, you're the only one getting married.  Even if your friend is also engaged, chances are you're having completely different weddings and the only thing that is the same is your current marital status.  So I had to get it out there.  I'll get back to sewing soon, but this had to be said before I cried tears of both exhaustion and frustration.

Sorry if I offended anyone.  Honestly.


  1. I'm one of your 10 readers :) and I think it is great that you are getting married the way that feels right for you and not the way society tells people to get married!

    1. Thank you! I appreciate that. And thanks for reading!!

  2. Good for you! I'm a big fan of doing whatever the heck you want at weddings - if it doesn't reflect who you are, then why do it? We had a small casual wedding last year, and even that becamse more work than I ever imagined... so if that isn't for you, then enjoy something else! :)

    1. It really can get out of hand easily! I guess that's why people who want the big wedding hire planners to take care of it. I'm glad to hear of someone else having the small wedding. Congratulations to you!

  3. omg, you made me laugh, despite my headache and the late hour! (it's 10:30pm). You are unconventional enough to have a wedding whenever you want one, be it now or after you've been married 13.3 years or something. My marriages last 3 years, so I try to downplay the weddings and celebrate the divorces.

    1. Maybe we can check back in after three years?

  4. We got merried in Abuja, Nigeria, in a very dirty place after 3 children and 13 years together, several countries we've been living in and many many things done together . We did not even get what the lady was asking us to say after her- it was fun!


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